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Post by Behax on Apr 18, 2020 15:04:34 GMT
At first Chuuya tensed as Dazai wrapped his arms around him. His natural instinct to pull away was there, but it was fighting against Chuuya’s need for comfort and support. Something he wouldn’t ordinarily seek out or even easily accept before this incident. It took a moment but instead of the physical violence Dazai might have come to expect, Chuuya wrapped his own arms around him, and buried his face in his shoulder.
Once he had that support it seemed easy to just let it all out. The pain, the regret, the uncertainty of his situation over all. Once he’d started crying it wasn’t just from the vague traces of a memory, it was from the last couple of days. It was overwhelming, and daunting to realise you had forgotten a whole life time of memory.
He didn’t know how long he was sat there before he’d started to calm down.
“I’m sorry…..I’m sure its not easy for you either.”
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Post by quinnlocke on Apr 18, 2020 17:37:07 GMT
Dazai rubbed a hand up and down Chuuya's back, gently rocking them as Chuuya cried. It wasn't the first time he'd seen tears in his eyes. It was just the first time he found himself caring enough to fix it.
When Chuuya apologized he shook his head and tightened his grip. "Don't," he said. "Don't apologise. This isn't your fault."
It's mine, he thought, I did this. I let you destroy yourself over and over again because it was the optimal solution.
The Sheep had been his fault too. Didn't matter that it was inevitable. What mattered is he orchestrated it in such a way that left Chuuya scarred and abandoned.
Before he could think of the consequences he pressed a kiss to the top of Chuuya's head.
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Post by Behax on Apr 19, 2020 16:09:48 GMT
Chuuya tensed a little and the feel of the kiss pressed to his head, but he seemed to realise it was meant to be a comforting gesture, and relaxed. It took a while but he eventually calmed down. He decided it probably wasn’t a good idea to keep prying into his own business, lest he dig up anything else too overwhelming, for now anyway.
Instead he decided to be nosy about what Dazai had bought at the store, and help him to put it away. They maybe halfway through cooking lunch, (Chuuya couldn't remember recipes, but his muscle memory seemed fine) when the call came.
It was Chuuya’s phone that rang, not Dazai’s. The reason for this was because the number was one that Dazai had blocked. Not that it mattered in this instance, as Chuuya’s phone was currently in Dazai’s possession. This person had likely called knowing that.
The caller ID was under the title of ‘Boss’ and further details of course listed the caller as Mori Ougai.
“Hello Dazai,” he didn’t even wait for him to speak, having assumed the odds were high that Dazai would be picking up the call, based on information he already had from Kouyou and his brief conversation with Yosano.
“I know you don’t relish the opportunity to speak with me so I will cut straight to the point, I would like an update in regards to Chuuya, this includes what can be done to make his recovery as smooth as possible.” It was notable that he did not use the word ‘swift’, so he likely already knew enough to assume there was no quick fix to the fact he was yet another executive down, but he still didn't have all the information. Kouyou had promised not to tell Mori too much as long as Dazai did tell the many something, and didn't wait too long to do it. This was fate providing Dazai the opportunity because it was taken away from him.
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Post by quinnlocke on Apr 19, 2020 18:03:24 GMT
Dazai's first and honestly reasonable reaction was to hurl the phone out the window, scoop up Chuuya and run away to Switzerland. He'd figure out the logistics later.
But he allowed a beat of a second to pass before deciding that plan would end up failing due to not knowing where Chuuya's bug out bags were, and surprisingly a wayward ibex.
"Hello Mori-san, so nice of you to check in!" He said, voice bright and cheery as he stepped out of the kitchen. "No doubt Kouyou has told you Chuuya is going to be convalescing at home for a bit."
He watched Chuuya poke at the pots on the stove with a bright curiousity that made his chest ache.
"You always were telling him to get actual rest after these incidents. Turns out having to be brought back by Yosano-sensei was what convinced him to listen."
Dazai would kill Mori before he let him get his hands on Chuuya. Damn the consequences, damn the chaos it put the city into. Chuuya deserved better.
"Plenty of rest, three meals a day, less smoking would help him too, I'm sure."
He hoped his tone hid the fact that he was shaking apart inside. He'd never really feared Mori, but he'd stopped ever feeling like he understood his motivations. Stopped understanding what sacrifices would ever be too much.
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Post by Behax on Apr 19, 2020 21:46:40 GMT
The cheer voice was enough to stop Chuuya from questioning things, after all he didn’t have the proper contextual clues necessary to puzzle out this particular quirk of Dazai’s behaviour. Mori on the other hand, knew that Dazai was at the very least being disingenuous with his cheer.
“Hmmnn is that so?” Mori’s tone suggested he knew a little more than he was letting on, of course the fact he had expected Dazai to answer Chuuya’s phone also spoke volumes. “As long as he does actually get some rest.” That comment was surprisingly genuine. The only person who worked harder than Chuuya in the whole Port Mafia, was probably Mori himself. “As per Ozaki-San’s request the guard presence in the building you currently reside has been significantly increased, so you should be relatively well protected while Chuuya recoupertes. If you need anything you know who you can contact,” Mori continued.
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Post by quinnlocke on Apr 19, 2020 22:21:21 GMT
Dazai resisted the urge to drop Chuuya's phone into the pot on the stove. Instead he put it back into his pocket and joined Chuuya in the kitchen.
"You taught me to make this one," he said, letting himself be happy about the memory. "you found my eating habits to be horrifying, you still do actually. But, this was easy enough to learn, and you tricked me into eating it with actual vegetables."
They were 17, Dazai had all but collapsed during a mission because he'd tried starvation as a suicide method. He'd whined about how hungry he was and Chuuya yelled at him for being so stupid.
It was one of the rare times Dazai let Chuuya lead anything, watching as Chuuya moved about the kitchen, he asked questions and Chuuya actually answered.
To that day Dazai would still make the dish, remembering fondly a lesson taught without fear or threats.
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Post by Behax on Apr 20, 2020 13:04:11 GMT
“Oh...I did?” He supposed that's why it felt so natural to be behind the stove? “Did…...Do I enjoy cooking?” Chuuya supposed that asking about his interests was probably a safe enough topic for now. There couldn’t really be any pain hiding there could there? He already got the impression he must enjoy learning if he’d put in the time and effort required to learn two extra languages fluently, and to the point that he could still remember how to speak them even when he couldn’t remember anything else.
The next couple of days were probably surreal in the domesticity for Dazai, while Chuuya alternated between feeling lost and uncertain, to rediscovering things he loved. He still cried at the emotional parts of his favourite movies. In some way it showed he was still the same person in there.
Someone from the agency brought Dazai his work every other day. Once it had been Atsushi, escorted up by Akutragawa. No matter the circumstances no one was just going to let an agency member wander the building, and the agency wasn't just going to just hand over their documents to a Mafia goon. The arguing between the two had been audible the moment they stepped off the elevator. Neither really interacted with Chuuya, though Atsushi was less capable of hiding his concerned glances in the redhead's direction as he talked to Dazai. There were signs of concern in the lines of Akustagawa’s face as well, but his expression was much better schooled.
It had been a couple of days and Chuuya had avoided asking anything too personal about himself since his small breakdown over the jacket. But the thoughts were tugged to the surface one day when he was in the shower again. He looked down at the thin line of the faded scar on his stomach. He ran his hand over it and felt the tug of emotional pain. He could remember the boy a little more clearly now, could now name the hurt he felt as betrayal.
“O-osamu….”
He was fresh out of the shower, no shirt, no collar, hair still damp. He’d put pants on at least. He looked uncertain, scared even, standing there with one hand over the old wound. He didn’t know how to ask what he wanted to ask, or even if he wanted the answer to the question.
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Post by quinnlocke on Apr 20, 2020 14:02:56 GMT
Having Atsushi bring his paperwork was a mistake, only because the poor kid didn't know the meaning of poker face. Not only that but the bickering between him and Akutagawa only furthered Dazai's assumption that he and Chuuya weren't the only ones doing a dance.
He'd have Kyouka come next time, though he imagined Kunikida would blow a gasket over the idea.
Kyouka could handle herself and the bickering would be in cold looks and thinly veiled taunts.
It would also have the benefit of giving Chuuya a familiar face. He wasn't certain how close the two had been when she was in the mafia. But with both of them being under Kouyou's care, he had a guess they were at the very least on first name basis.
But first, he'd have to pull his heart where it fell on the ground.
"O.. Osamu"
The gods well and truly hated him.
"Chuuya? What. What's wrong?"
It was stupid to ask. The answer was obvious. But what else was he supposed to do?
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Post by Behax on Apr 20, 2020 14:41:46 GMT
“I….” He didn’t even really know what he wanted to ask. He’d been getting little bits of memory back, but only small things, and mostly it was just feelings, rather than actual memories. So he wasn’t sure how to articulate what he was feeling now.
“Why…...Why would Shirase…..” He looked a little taken aback, he hadn’t remembered the boy’s name until just then, and even as he said it it was more as if his lips had just supplied the name for him instead of Chuuya remembering it on his own. A name he hadn’t said in over 6 years. The Chuuya right now couldn't even remember that it has been that long ago.
“Why would Shirase stab me…..” He couldn’t remember much about his time in sheep, but what he could remember was the feeling of family, the need to protect, and the utter betrayal he’d felt when a knife had been plunged into his side. Something that had only even been possible because his guard had been down.
He had other scars, but this was the only one that had significant emotional trauma attached to it.
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Post by quinnlocke on Apr 20, 2020 15:10:10 GMT
Dazai wished this wasn't the first memory to come back to him. Or the first person he remembered.
How did he explain it? How did he even come close to helping Chuuya understand and remember such a horrible event?
'the truth hurts, but living a lie hurts longer'
"You were their leader, the only one of them with an ability. People called you the King of the Sheep," Dazai swallowed hard. "But you never wanted to be known as that. You'd get so mad when anyone referred to you as such. You always said you just had a trump card."
He couldn't even begin to tell if Chuuya understood or was even remembering, but he looked less scared the more Dazai spoke.
"I... I encouraged you to do something for yourself. I made them face the fact that they were using you, not only for protection but also for your power. You saw yourself as equal to them, they used you as a tool. And I did what I always do."
Dazai kicked at an invisible rock on the ground, pocketing his hands so they stopped fidgeting.
"It was going to happen. They would have turned on you someday, mahbe you would have seen it coming. But I wanted, I don't know what I wanted Chuuya. I told myself I wanted to set you free but I was only looking to leash you to myself for my own personal enjoyment. So I said the right words, played the right pawns and in the end you still begged for their survival."
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Post by Behax on Apr 20, 2020 15:34:38 GMT
Dazai’s explanation helped to nudge some other pieces of the puzzle back into place. When Dazai explained that he used to be the ‘King of the Sheep’ Chuuya felt a sense of irritation begin to build, and he looked at his wrist on his right arm, as if he was expecting something to be there. Though he couldn’t quite remember what. An object or symbol, something that showed he was part of a group….A family.
His brow knitted together when Dazai said he'd encouraged Chuuya to do something for himself. His gut told him it had been something important, something he’d chased like it had been the only thing that mattered at the time. Something which had been the first real thing he’d wanted for himself, answers to questions he couldn’t even remember now. But it had been important.
However he wasn’t sure how to react to everything he’d been told. He sat down, processing Dazai’s words. His instincts told him it wasn’t a lie, but his gut told him it wasn’t the whole truth either.
“You turned them on me…...Made them think I was going to leave….so they….” His hand went back to the scar. He felt sick. It made him a little weary to trust Dazai now, but mostly it just made him hurt to remember just how he’d been thrown away, and how easy it had been for Dazai to do it.
It really hadn’t taken much to turn the sheep on him.
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Post by quinnlocke on Apr 20, 2020 15:40:50 GMT
"they took you out before you could," Dazai finished for him. "And in the end, you were still loyal to them. Because that's you, that's who you are. Loyal."
Dazai wasn't sure if coming closer was a good idea. But if he got punched for his troubles so be it. He probably deserved it...he definitely deserved it.
"I never apologized to you." The words felt heavy on his tongue. "I never once showed any remorse for it. I don't even know if showing remorse now is even close to being honest."
Dazai took a deep breath. "I'm sorry that my spiteful nature cost you the first family you ever had."
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Post by Behax on Apr 20, 2020 16:06:59 GMT
He couldn’t help but wonder, how many other times had that loyalty caused him pain? He tensed a little when Dazai moved closer to him, Chuuya wasn’t sure how he felt about his company right now. He did however let out a small hollow laugh at Dazai’s apology.
“You should probably save that…...For when I can fully grasp what it means….”
Chuuya was now trying to reconcile the image he’d built of ‘Osamu’ over the last few days they had spent together. A man he had been told he could trust, had just told Chuuya he had cost him his family, and indirectly was responsible for the pain he was now relieving as he pieced his life back together.
Before he could properly latch onto that however, Dazai’s choice of words caught his attention. Chuuya always had been more perceptive than most gave him credit for.
“Wait…..You said….. My first family…..But Don’t…..What about my parents? And Kouyou?” He was back to being confused and uncertain again, though not quite scared. His head was starting to hurt too, likely from all the information and emotions he was trying to process.
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Post by quinnlocke on Apr 20, 2020 17:12:18 GMT
Ah fuck, he thought to himself. Yosano and Kouyou were going to kill him.
"You...," He paused, trying to find the best way to explain. "You don't know your family, at least not your birth one. No one does. There was an accident when you were eight. You don't remember anything from before then."
Dazai had a feeling this was going to back fire horribly. But there was no getting around it.
"Kouyou is family to you. In fact you call her ane-san, she begrudgingly allows it. Always had a soft spot for you. I think you're one of the few people who can make her smile."
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Post by Behax on Apr 21, 2020 12:51:04 GMT
His gut told him that wasn’t quite it, it was something deeper than that. He frowned when Dazai said there had been an accident, that he couldn’t remember anything from before that either. So this had happened to him before?
“This…...This has happened to me before….?” If no one knows who his birth family is, then did that mean that there was no one to tell him who he was the last time? No one was there to help him to reconstruct what was lost? That opened up a whole new pit of uncertainty that Chuuya didn’t even know how to begin to fathom. It also brought back the fear that he could just forget everything all over again.
It was a good thing he was already sitting down, because he felt a little dizzy. Who was he really?
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